Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Customize Your Wedding.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Me checking my bank balance online.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.