Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

accurate

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

not for long

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.