What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
next question.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE