Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
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“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…