Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

The most accurate map ever devised.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.