My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
edward fingerhands
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Thinking about a snail with a limp
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.