Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
