Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

The most precious boy

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.