Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Things will get butter, keep churning

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

In banana years, I am bread.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.