Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

this came to me in a vision

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

boys are so easy to impress

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.