Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

I’m crying im so happy for them

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”