Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
You Might Also Like
I can’t deal with men any longer
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.