Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

An odd boast

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

BaD BoY!!

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.