Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
You Might Also Like
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.