Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

🤣😂

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Money is the root of all wealth

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.