Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Wednesday
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?