*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
