Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5