Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
R.I.P.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
sliding into dms like
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.