i dont have time for this
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”