Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

bros in the example zone 😭

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t