Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

A small tragedy.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day