[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Ummm 😳
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.