Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

i’m laughing very hard in real life

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

2022: I can fix it

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life