Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

they really do be looking like this

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.