Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
You Might Also Like
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show: