Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Ah yes. The three genders

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.