It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
😂🐈⬛
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’