Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

Wait for it

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

We all have our pet causes.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Anarchy

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Challenge accepted.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome