Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him