Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”