Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

I was bored.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

My neck, my back, my…

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.