Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet