Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*