Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
The “baby” on the left….
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
They’re called werewolves.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Haha good job!!
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.