Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.