Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

good work, everybody