waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact