let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.