Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!