My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My brain is a bad influence on me
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath