If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
the saddest jazz hands ever
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
When someone trying to leave me
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.