Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”