most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
😜
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
This rocks
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.