Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

For anyone who needs this today

ㅤ

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

So the ex texted me

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue: