EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
What?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
