Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

had to make it

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

The Friday File.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle