Natty or not?
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Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Be the reason someone burns sage.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
😍😂🥰😂😍
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then