Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great