8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.